Eating My Cake

Yesterday I went to a rheumatologist with the hopes of getting an “official” diagnosis of fibromyalgia. I don’t know why it mattered so much, but emotionally, I really wanted to hear, “oh, yes… you definitely have fibromyalgia.”

It’s foolish, since I *know* I have fibro. My husband believes it. My primary care physician (PCP) believes it, and so what does it matter? She doesn’t diagnose it, but she’s pretty darn sure my symptoms fit.

But I have had a major increase in pain in the past year. Undoubtedly related to the stress we’ve been coping with, as fibro is very sensitive to stress. I wanted a chance to feel human again, to sleep again… to be able to go for a walk with my husband and dogs again. Is that too much to ask for? After seven years, I’m broken… I’m so exhausted, emotionally and physically, and I was ready to make it official. Just to feel validated.

Well, it didn’t go well. She was a size two who saw a fat patient and jumped to conclusions. She didn’t do the tender point test, which is probably the single most critical diagnostic tool for fibro (fibro patients have bilateral “tender spots” and there are 18. I have pain in 14 of them). She poked me a smidge, prodded and stretched my arms, didn’t even have me stand and basically told me that my pain is from my weight. She didn’t say it that bluntly, but she made it quite clear that’s what she thought.

I told her about my costochondritis (which is an inflammation of the chest wall, and a common problem in fibro… it’s also excruciatingly painful) and she didn’t even touch there. I told her about my sore neck muscles, and she didn’t touch there, either. I told her about how pain on the side of my face and ears often wakes me up at night, and she looked at me like I was crazy.

Yes, well. Clearly, my earlobes are too fat.

She gave me Elavil, despite my telling her that even on 12.5 mg quarters, I was a zombie. She said, well, take 5 mg, since you slept that was great. Yes, but I slept for 10 hours, which is NOT so great when you have a job… and then still want to sleep more. She gave me Mobic, despite my telling her NSAIDS do nothing for my pain and upset my stomach (since fibro is NOT an inflammatory disease, NSAIDS generally offer patients little to no relief).

She ordered some blood tests. She said she wants to see me in a month, and I have no idea why I should bother when she made it very clear what she thinks is wrong.

She thinks I’m stressed out, fat and anxious. I asked if my pain is consistent with fibro in her opinion, and she said, well… most of my patients are far more debilitated and can’t work. WTF? I work from HOME at a desk PART TIME. And some days, I feel like I can barely work. I reminded her that I work from home and said I didn’t think I could work outside the home (which isn’t necessarily true, but some days would be a challenge for sure!).

I pointed out to her that I don’t have bilateral neck pain because I’m too fat, and she said that was true and even said that the costochondritis isn’t from being fat… but that was as far as she wanted to go.

It was ridiculous. She was way more interested in talking about my eating disorder than my pain. I tried to explain to her how bad dieting had been for me, and ultimately I told her, point blank, that I will never actively try to lose weight again. It is a self-destructive behavior for me. She had kept pushing that eventually my EATING DISORDER THERAPY must plan to address weight loss. I said, uhm, actually, no. I told her that my therapist uses Intuitive Eating and does not promote dieting. She said, “well, I mean… not dieting, but calorie restriction.” Uhm. Right. Where did you say you went to medical school? Cuz you are clearly a MORON. On what planet is calorie restriction NOT a diet???

UGH. I was somewhat concerned this would happen, but I thought I’d at least get a true exam out of the deal. She didn’t do the single most important diagnostic exam for fibro and she’s going to tell me I don’t have it? Or she doesn’t think it’s fibro because I’m not in enough pain?

How much more pain do I need to be in? I was sobbing this week because of how awful I felt. I have a handicap placard, because walking unnecessarily uses too many spoons and causes fatigue and pain. I wake up in agony several times a week. How “debilitated” do I need to be before I warrant some actual medical care and concern?

Oh, she also said that she wouldn’t give me Lyrica because of the risk for “water weight gain, and well, you wouldn’t want that, right?”

She was meek, and polite about her insensitivity… and I think I was sort of unprepared for that, so it didn’t even occur to me to stand up for myself. I was blindsided.

So, today I followed up with my PCP. I got lucky that she had an opening, because she’s really popular since she rocks. It can take a week or more sometimes to get in with her.

I told her the story, and she was very upset for me. I mentioned that I’m considering writing the doctor a letter, addressing why I will not be returning, and why, though I had most of the bloodwork she ordered done today, she’ll never see the results. My regular doctor supports this letter, and thinks I should do it, so I might. I doubt highly it will change the way that woman sees her patients, but it might, so maybe it’s worth the effort… if nothing else, it might help me to feel better.

When I shared with my doctor the point where I told this woman that I would rather be this fat for the rest of my life than diet again, she said, “and I think you are healthier for that.” I felt so much relief to hear her say that… to have her agree with that sentiment.

Look, dieting is what got me to this point. The chronic cycle of deprivation followed by binging was toxic for me, and potentially far more hazardous to my health. I feel much better emotionally, and I rarely binge now. Is my eating “perfect?” Of course now. I am human, and I’m dealing with over 20 years of dieting baggage. One year in therapy isn’t going to make my problems vanish.

But at the end of the day, I feel so much more human now. I feel happier. Would it be easier if I were thinner? Of course! I am not a fool. I know that my life would be way simpler if I was even 100 pounds thinner. However, at the end of the day, I know dieting isn’t gonna get me there… and I refuse to ever actively pursue weight loss again. What would be nice, though, would be to feel well enough to exercise, to enjoy outdoor activities. I tried to convey this to that insipid idiot I saw yesterday, but I think what she heard was a “fat girl making excuses.”

Whatever… that is HER problem, not mine. Like my doctor said after I shared the story, “the funny part is that she thought you were terribly concerned about possible weight gain (or should be), when the truth is that you’re so not.”

I *love* my regular doc. She gave my samples of Lyrica and we’ll see how it goes. Hopefully, I will get some pain relief and minimal weight gain… but if I gain weight and have less pain, it will be more than worth those extra pounds to have my life back.

xoxo,
Juliet

Tags: medical

One might think that being a blogger about body acceptance and positive body image would be anti-makeup. On the contrary, I support most things a person can do to maximize their positive feelings about themselves.

I feel that makeup is only a problem if someone can’t leave the house without it. This is not me. This is my teenage sister, but I think that goes with the territory of being almost seventeen… and half the time, Hope is wearing her makeup left over from the night before anyway.

For me, makeup is a way to feel pretty, to feel like I’m indulging myself. It’s a good self-care ritual when I do wear some. Though I find it frustrating at times because I have uneven skin tone and lack the skills to even it out, and I have one eye with eyelashes that refuse to take mascara properly, I still enjoy the process… but mostly, I love the thrill of trying a new product.

I realized this last night when reading the new Allure (which I got for free because I sell Avon and it was a special offer through Avon, as was Glamour). They have a special this month on the best products of the year and I was drooling over many of them (though I was disappointed at how many high end cosmetics they selected because those are just so not in my price range).

When I began selling Avon, I figured it would be a good way to get discounted makeup and maybe subsidize my makeup addiction. Unfortunately, I didn’t get many customers because I live in such a rural area. I’d hoped I’d get more online orders, but I just don’t… so I’m planning to stop selling Avon very shortly. However, Walmart is a great source of my favorite non-Avon cosmetics for less than average prices, so I buy stuff there, too.

I am especially addicted to lip gloss these days. Even if I am too lazy to put anything else on, a quick brush of clear mascara and a swipe of lip gloss makes me feel better about myself. It’s a “best foot forward” sort of thing. When I am just going shopping, I rarely bother… unless I am having a day where my self-esteem is really bad. Then it actually really makes me feel better to know I’ve pampered myself a bit and look my best… but in general, I’ll go out without makeup on 8 out of 10 times I go somewhere. Even in NYC, where looks are a much bigger focus and I *never* fit in, I rarely bothered with makeup. I’m taken and he loves me (and in general prefers me without makeup anyway). So who cares what some random stranger thinks?

Lately, though, I’ve been spending time at the school where I hope to work. I have to do 200 hours of observation in the next year, so I am going to be there a lot, and my husband made the mistake of reminding me that every time I am there, it’s like a mini-job interview. So now I’ve been especially conscious of making sure I look my absolute best. Thankfully, living in the mountains means clothing is ultra-casual. The teacher I observed yesterday was wearing pale blue, parachute style capri pants and a white cotton polo shirt. She was neat and presentable, but definitely not dressed for teaching by East Coast (or even Denver) standards. This is just part of life in the mountains. People are inherently laid back. This is a good thing, since my wardrobe budget is currently zero and my clothes are not necessarily all that fancy.

So, where my clothes feel lacking to me (I’m still recovering from my East Coast mentality), I make up for it in… yup, makeup. Makeup and hair and my new glasses (which are very teacher-esque, in a hip, modern way). I feel pretty, I feel like I’m making the effort, and I’m sure that effort is noticed. At the end of the day, I will be hired based on my skill, but right now, I’m just watching and so my appearance is all they have to go on. Fortunately, Colorado is not nearly as weight obsessed as the states I lived in back East, and so hopefully, no one is judging me on that… but I just feel good knowing I’ve done all I can to ensure I’m the best me I can be, at least on the outside.

It makes me feel good to feel that I look my best… and I think that is an important lesson to learn on the body acceptance journey. You can make yourself feel your prettiest with what you currently have, and it’s just fine to enhance your looks with a snazzy new hairstyle or some highlights… or makeup or glasses. This is allowed and even encouraged. Rock the you you are right now, and stop dreaming about the body you think you’re supposed to have!

Sure, I have days where my natural curls are out of control and I wish I had straight hair… or I wish my brown eyes were blue, just to see how it would look. Then I remember that I’ve colored my eyes online and I look weird with blue eyes. And my hair has been blown straight several times (NYC is anti-curly hair) and it looks shiny and gorgeous, but just plain *wrong* for me…

I’m beautiful on the inside. I’m pretty on the outside. I love makeup and I love feeling even prettier… and since I can be without makeup, and don’t feel like I need to tattoo on eyeliner or get eyelash extensions (though I have to admit, I’d love to try that just short term because it’s such a neat concept) all the time, it’s just fine that I’m a cosmetics whore.

Trying new things is a fun part of life, and it’s just like experimenting with foods… I find what I like, use it when I want to and leave it when I don’t feel like it’s the right thing for me to have at the moment. It’s a wonderfully frivolous, indulgent obsession…

And damnit, I’m proud to be a makeup whore.

xoxo,
Juliet

ImageChef.com Poetry Blender

Your help was much appreciated.

xoxo,
Juliet

I just created a survey on body image. If you’re willing to complete it for me, please follow the link below (I didn’t originally post it because I wasn’t sure if there was a limit to how many people I could ask to do it. There’s not, so go wild, folks!):

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=eQEkOt81FBe_2ffAwWtOaq6g_3d_3d

This is for a grad school course I am taking. Your results will be 100% anonymous, even to me. Thanks!

xoxo,
Juliet

PS. I’m recovering from a bad case of tendonitis, which is why I haven’t posted lately. I’ve needed to minimize usage so I can do stuff for school and also work (I’d rather blog!).

Look, the Olsen twins are really rich young women… but they are also two young women who who were pushed into this business as babies. I have some issues with what their parents did to them. They turned them into a “brand” by the age of 10.

Mary-Kate went through a rather public battle with anorexia some time back, and I found this interview with her that I found so sad.

Here is what she said, about the price she pays for fame.

I’ve been in the public eye for my entire life. Growing up on television and with the media, it’s easier to deal with because you grow up with it. I was never thrown into the process which I can imagine would be very difficult.

I would love to be able to swim in the ocean in Malibu. But that is asking for a bikini shot. That’s inviting something that I don’t want to happen. I don’t need to be on a Who’s Skinny, Who’s Fat, Who’s Looking Healthy, Who’s Not Eating?’ list.

It’s just a shame that we live a society where she’s 100% right. If she puts a bikini on in public, the whole damn world will be analyzing it within days, if not hours or minutes, as if we have the right to judge her simply because she’s famous. As if that makes her body less her own somehow. She’s public property.

And that is just so sad…

xoxo,
Juliet

PS. I know I’ve been silent lately, but there has been a tremendous amount of family drama. Hope nearly overdosed on Tylenol (that’s not why she took the drug - it wasn’t a suicide attempt) and my father-in-law was in the hospital with pneumonia until today. I’m also swamped with school. Hope is okay - she’ll have permanent liver damage, most likely. But she’s going to live, provided she doesn’t do anything stupid like drink heavily or abuse more drugs. I’m terrified for her, but this isn’t the forum for that. I share it simply as an explanation of why I’ve been posting so infrequently, and why I’ve been focused more on “fluff” type stuff than normal.

In November, TMZ and various magazines famously ran pictures of Jennifer Love Hewitt in a bikini while celebrating her engagement. The pics were, naturally, incredibly unflattering… and since we rarely see a celeb looking like she really does, who knows how close to reality they even were? Either the magazines make ‘em look worse or better… it really just depends on the day. Even if these photos weren’t touched down, they were obviously not taken in a way meant to be flattering. Someone said, hey, that Love… she’s put on a few, let’s make her our next body bash victim.

Now, look… if you work in Hollywood, this is just part of the price you pay to make mega bucks and be famous. I’m sorry, and I do think paparazzi can go to far. However, it’s the nature of the beast. Don’t want bad pics of you flashed all over? Don’t work in Hollywood. That said, we all reap the benefits of actors and entertainers, so it might be nicer if they didn’t have to suffer this sort of public humiliation, especially about their bodies.

Love famously responded to this with a post on her blog, where she wrote the following:

This is the last time I will address this subject. I’ve sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women’s bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I’m not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image. A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn’t make you beautiful.

What I should be doing is celebrating some of the best days of my life and my engagement to the man of my dreams, instead of having to deal with photographers taking invasive pictures from bad angles. I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family. And like all women out there should, I love my body.

To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini – put it on and stay strong.

I was like, hell yeah… rock on, sister! I thought it was so awesome that she said all of that.

But now, this story makes the cover of Us Weekly (my guilty pleasure, sue me). I was so disappointed in her when I saw it… but I decided to keep an open mind and bought the magazine.

I’ve read the article and I feel the message is clearly very, very mixed. A) the story is coming from her trainer, not her… which makes it harder to know how Hewitt really feels, and b) her trainer keeps insisting she doesn’t like to work with Hollywood types who are “so obsessed with what they eat,” but then goes on to describe how Hewitt was eating about 1800 calories a day when the first started working together, and now is down to 1200 to 1500!!! This while supposedly training to be in a marathon… and not to look hot in her wedding dress.

Call me crazy, but if you’re working out an hour a day four days a week with a trainer, and then doing an intense cardio workout the days you don’t meet with the trainer, 1200 calories just doesn’t seem sufficient. Not to mention, the trainer says her client’s job is physically demanding, too, working 12 to 14 hours a day on set.

Then there’s the whole “she’s not doing this to lose weight, she’s doing this to be stronger after hurting her ankle in April” part of the story. That’s just plain BS. If she just wanted to be stronger, the workouts would suffice. The 1200 calorie a day starvation diet wouldn’t be necessary. Nor would the proclamation she’s lost 18 pounds in ten weeks, followed by the whole “well, she rarely gets weighed” bit. Now, these magazines often have experts guestimate weight loss, so who knows if that’s really how much she lost… but she’s obviously quite a bit thinner. I look at this picture, from the same trip as the infamous bikini shot, and I think she’s just gorgeous the way she was. She claimed to love her curves, and while she’s still curvy simply because of how her body is built, this doesn’t really fly with that message, does it? I love my curves, but I need less of them?

If she wanted to get stronger and hire a trainer, kudos to her. If she’s found exercise she loves, that’s really awesome… but I wish she’d have told her trainer NO when the diet and calorie counting came up. I wish she would’ve said, that’s not what this is about… because that’s what the trainer says she said, but the word “diet” equals “I need/want/should lose weight.” There are no two ways about it. People go on diets because they feel like they need to lose weight. I ought to know. I’m an expert on the subject.

I understand that her job requires a certain look… and I guess starving her body while giving it intense exercise is required to get that look. Maybe her agent wasn’t happy, or the people on her TV show. Who knows? The reality is, you exercise to get stronger. She didn’t start dieting to get stronger. She started dieting to lose weight, and the exercise certainly helps to ensure that, as well.

So, I’m disappointed. I loved the message she was sending to women, and I really feel like she’s eaten her words (and apparently not much else) with this article. If she really, truly isn’t doing this to lose weight and squash the talk, then she’ll come out and say so… but I’m not holding my breath on that one.

Sadly, I think we can check Jennifer Love Hewitt off the ever increasing list of celebs who claim to love their bodies, only to then cave to the pressure and lose gobs of weight whilst claiming it’s “to get stronger” or because they “went vegetarian” or some other equally insipid excuse.

What a total bummerdog.

xoxo,
Juliet

PS. If Hewitt just came out and said, “yes, I decided I wanted/needed to lose some weight,” I’d have far more respect for her. It’s the whole facade of doing this for reasons other than looking better in the public’s eye that really bugs me. It just contradicts her message to her fans… she’d put herself in a position to be a role model - that was her choice by blogging about the issue. Now, by losing weight so dramatically and publicly, she’s telling all the young women (and older ones, too!) she spoke to that maybe it’s not okay to put on that bikini and flaunt your curves… at least, not until you lose some of them, first.

I’m an Olympics junkie, and thankfully I married another of us, so we’ve watched a lot of hours of coverage. I’ve learned some things, but one in particular stands out.

If you are a parent, or plan to be, take note of this.

As a child, I loved to swim. I also was always trying desperately to do gymnastics in my yard on the grass. I could do roundoffs and handstands and walkovers (not often, though, I usually landed on my back). I never mastered the cartwheel but for two years, I gave it all I had.

In the water, I challenged myself to see how long I could hold my breath. I swam with my eyes open. I got swimmer’s ear several times, which made me a bit reluctant to go under water, but never stopped me (I hated ear plugs, but I found drops that would help the water evaporate).

I was “fat” and it was a big enough concern that I was put on a very restrictive diet… but no one in my family ever thought to tap into my desire to be active as a way to help me manage my weight.

I wish they had. I’m not saying I’d have become the female Michael Phelps, but it might’ve been nice to be able to have an exercise outlet that was positive, because gym class surely wasn’t.

I roller skated, and desperately wanted ice skating lessons. My grandmother, when I began to regain some of the weight I’d lost (a combo of secret eating and puberty) began to say that if I lost x number of pounds, she’d get me Irish step dancing lessons! I wanted them, and why did I need to lose weight, exactly? I was more than willing to do it then and there…

My point is, if you have a child and that child expresses a desire to try swimming after watching Michael Phelps, give him or her that chance. Set up expectations, of course… but give your children the chance to be active if they find a way to do that that they love.

I lived in a climate where winters were often too cold for much outdoor activity. I would run around spring and summer, and lived in the pool when it was opened… not surprisingly, my weight tended to go up in the winter when I didn’t have that outlet.

If my family had actually been interested in helping me, they would’ve signed me up for some indoor swimming classes or skating lessons or dance. The reality is that I came from a very dysfunctional family that liked making me feel less than worthy of things, and my weight was a useful way to do this. It’s just the reality I come from.

But I think a lot of parents think it will be too expensive or time consuming or that their child won’t stick with it… and it might be expensive, but there are often options that are less so, and some places offer “scholarships,” like the ice rink I wanted to take lessons from - I could’ve gotten discounted rates if only someone wanted to pay and take me. If your child has a dream of learning to be a skater or a ballerina or the next Lord of the Dance, do everything you can to find a way to make that dream come true. I believe in being honest with kids, so I wouldn’t tell my children, if I were ever to have any, that they could be just like Michelle Kwan or Michael Phelps or Shawn Johnson… and I’m not entirely sure I’d want that life for my children, even if they were that good and wanted it.. but I am sure that I’d try to find a way to give them the chance to explore that dream.

What’s the worst that happens? They take a few karate lessons and hate them? So, you’re out some gas and a few bucks and a bit of time.

What’s the best that can happen? They find a physical activity that they absolutely love, that makes them feel good about themselves, that makes them stronger physically and mentally.

There’s nothing to lose, and so much to gain.

xoxo,
Juliet

My current class requires us to develop a lesson plan. We get to pick the grade level, the topic, etc. It just has to meet a state or national mandate.

Well, I thought it over and since I haven’t yet taken the courses that will teach me how to teach things like math or English, I decided to use this as an opportunity to create a health lesson plan about body image and body acceptance and IE. I am using the children’s book Full Mouse, Empty Mouse and the lesson will be geared towards 8 - 10 year-olds.

I am so excited about this. I know it will be original and creative, and maybe a smidge controversial, but that’s fine. I look forward to actually teaching this lesson eventually.

To those of you who are teachers, this is a way to spread the word. To help children become more accepting of one another, to help them realize that it’s how they feel and not how they look that matters.

It’s a small step, but it has potentially huge results. Children like to feel good about themselves, and if they find a way to do that, they will likely talk to friends about it… and maybe even their parents.

xoxo,
Juliet

Two items from my daily Google searches really upset me this morning.

First, there is this story from Australia, where officials are pressing to institute schools to issue Fat Report Cards. UGH.

Then, far more insidious, is this story from the UK about Fat School. That’s right, the Fat Camp program has been turned into a boarding school!!!

ARGHHH.

Britain’s finest boarding school exclusively for overweight and obese teenagers is to open in the Lake District. It will take children aged 11 to 18 who are at least 9kg (20lb) too heavy and have had diet problems for more than a year.

As well as being taught the national curriculum, pupils will learn food science and weight management. They will be encouraged to take part in intensive physical activity and consume just 1,500 calories and 12g of fat per day.

20 pounds too heavy? TWENTY POUNDS? You’re going to send your kid away to boarding school for being 20 pounds overweight? That’s absolute maddness. Not to mention, what a way to set up a competition amongst children to see who can lose weight fastest. The number of ways in which a

program like this will lead to disordered eating and thinking are just staggering.

1500 calories and 12 grams a fat per day for growing children and teens? That’s absurd. Especially when you add in what I am sure is an aggressive exercise program.

It is an absolute OUTRAGE that they can do this to children. They want to call parents of obese children guilty of child abuse, but I think this is truly abusive.

How long will those kids who are only 20 pounds overweight need to stay at the school, when eating next to nothing and being exercised like animals?

Well, according to their site, you have to stay at least four months.

Tuition at Wellspring is $6,250 per month. Tuition covers the entire program, including diet management, activity management, behavioral, residential and academic.

The minimum length of enrollment is 4 months. Students typically enroll for 1-2 semesters (4-9 months).

There are already two schools operating in the United States. Check them out here. The US criteria are a bit more selective than what the UK criteria will be, but then again, from my Google alerts, the UK seems more frenzied over the whole obesity epidemic crap anyway. According to the website, for US entrance, you must be 30 pounds overweight, and you must have a two year history of struggling with your weight. The UK school won’t open for three years… I’d like to think people will come to their senses before then, but I doubt it.

I love the Student Profile description. Here, this is priceless.

Wellspring students are at least 30 lbs. overweight and have been struggling with their weight for at least two years.
Beyond this, no two Wellspring students are exactly alike. Many exhibit signs of low self-esteem. Some have been diagnosed with depression or other issues. Some appear as though their weight doesn’t bother them at all, although it’s obvious that returning to a normal weight range would be transformative.

Okay, my weight was a source of low self-esteem partly because of this sort of thought process. The thoughts that a fat child can’t possibly be happy and have a good life. You have to be thin to be happy, after all. Hollywood tells us that daily, right??? Yeah, because all those gorgeous people with their seriously screwed up marriages and the tabloids publishing any nasty bits they can seem “happy” to me. But you can’t be fat and be happy. It’s just not possible, right? Fat = miserable, doesn’t it?

Bullshit. I’m fat, and overall, I’m happy. End of story. There are things about being fat that make life harder, but that doesn’t mean that losing weight would be “transformative,” and who is to say that any “transforming” that happens as a result of dramatic weight loss will be positive? Just look at some of the outcomes of people who lose lots of weight with WLS, and you can clearly see that weight loss doesn’t always equal happiness.

Children should be taught to accept one another and themselves for who they are as people. While I think eating fruits and veggies and less candy is probably an overall good recipe for health, I think this should be something that is just allowed to happen. Give children fruits and veggies from an early age, and they’ll often adopt that way of eating naturally. Give them fun ways to exercise and they’ll do that because it is enjoyable.

Children often gain weight during puberty. Many will later take that weight off naturally, if left alone, and settle at a weight that is ideal for their body type. Problem is, we’ve all become so hung up on arbitrary numbers of what is “ideal” and society has decided that the “one size fits all” approach is best. We fail to realize that it’s our disordered sense of what is a “healthy” weight that causes so many of our problems.

There’s also the reality that parents who can afford these schools are going to be well off financially. Almost $7,000 a month??? My undergrad tuition was less than that per YEAR at my public university, and this wasn’t that long ago (and granted, I didn’t live on campus, but still). My experience with weight has taught me that being thin is a status symbol for many people with money. It was once the opposite. Being “plump” meant you had money to eat. Nowadays, being thin means you have money to buy chef prepared food, or pay for a personal trainer or belong to the “right” gym or health club. In NYC, I saw this all the time. The thinner a person was, the better off their status. In my neighborhood, most of the women were a size four or smaller. Fitness and diet were about willpower and punishment, as in, “oh, I shouldn’t have had those drinks and the cheese fries at the bar last night, I have to go work out for an hour this morning and then I can’t eat until tomorrow.”

Which makes me question the overall parental types you’d find amongst the children at one of those schools. You can bet these kids have been put on diets for years by the time they get there. The more money a family has, the more status, the more it matters that their kids not be fat. It’s sad, but it’s true. I’ve seen it up close and personal with friends.

Now, that’s not to say that families, in general, don’t put pressure on kids to lose weight. I certainly wasn’t “rich” growing up, and there was plenty of pressure in my family for me to lose weight. It’s just not the same sort of pressure, and in my family a lot of that was about control. I was different - aside from my weight, which was an issue on both sides of my family. I didn’t fit it, I didn’t belong and it was obvious from an early age I’d break free of the dysfunction. I think tearing down my self-esteem was their only hope to keep me like them… and it worked, a bit. Just not enough, and it made me all the more determined to break free of their sickness.

All of these extreme attempts to make children lose weight really concern me. I don’t think that long term this will result in a health weight loss, even if it might result in some short term maintenance. I think this blurb from the article sums it up.

‘I certainly don’t think this should be promoted as a good response to weight management,’ said Dr Russell Viner, an associate professor at University College Hospital’s Institute of Child Health in London, who runs a weight management programme for young people.

‘While the young people learn to control their weight in the entirely unnatural environment of a boarding school, they do not learn how to maintain their weight once they return to the normal world.’ Helping young people control their weight in a family setting was more likely to produce long-term results.

Of course, that guy has his own weight loss program, and probably wants to ensure its survival, so he’s bound to put down another program. All the same, it’s true. It’s like when I was able to control my eating disorder whilst in an inpatient program for eating disorders, but once back in the “real” world, I lost that control because I hadn’t learned it in a real setting, with all the dysfunction my family brought to the table. I learned it somewhere safe, somewhere that I felt protected. My seven weeks in the hospital did very little to help me, beyond giving me the chance to escape my family and feel safe for a while.

I dream of a world in which children are not persecuted by their peers, but until the adults who are supposed to care for and protect these kids wake up and realize that the current approach is wrong, there’s little hope for that. All fat people, young or old, are subject to the same cruel and vicious treatment… weight discrimination really is the last socially accepted - no, it’s worse, it’s a socially ENCOURAGED - form of prejudice.

xoxo,
Juliet

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve gained weight recently. I know this only because I had to take off my engagement ring, which was really horrible and upsetting for me. My ring is special and unique and a symbol of my husband’s love for me, and while I know that it’s just a “thing,” it’s a really awesome thing that makes me feel pretty. Without it, I am sad.

I finally realized what has been going on with my eating… and finally, because of that, I feel control coming back.

In the past two months, my life has been turned upside down. My mother and I are no longer speaking and I can’t see a scenario coming into play where that is likely to change. Ever. Period. End of mother/daughter drama. I don’t want her in my life. Even if she were to get intense therapy, I don’t know that I’d want her in my life on any sort of deep, meaningful level. Too much has happened that can’t be undone. She’s said and done things she can never take back… and I can’t put anymore emotional energy into that relationship for my own sanity.

While I see now, looking back on the past eleven years, that our relationship wasn’t ever more than superficial, I didn’t realize it to the full extent that current events revealed that to be true. For eleven years, I thought we were building a relationship. Not the one we should’ve had, not the one I *deserved* to have with my mother… but the only one that could possibly be after all that had happened prior to her ending her heroin addiction. So, even though it’s now quite plain that I’ve really lost nothing, it’s still hard to reconcile that on some level… on some level, I lost my mother for the millionth time.

And that hurts. I don’t want it to, but that’s reality. It stings. She doesn’t get me at all, and though I know this is one of the saddest possible truths in a life full of them, it hurts. It’s her loss… but I’m the one feeling empty.

Now, let’s add to that empty feeling the fact that my mother’s sister is the one largely responsible for the start of my eating disorder. I don’t blame her entirely, and I also blame my grandmother for allowing Jane to do the things that she did to me… but there is no denying that Jane is the one who made me feel less than regarding my weight. Worse, they constantly put me down by comparing me to my father in looks and they hated him. And he was fat.

My self-esteem was a toy for them to twist and bend… how far can we push her? She’s different, and that’s not acceptable, so we have to try to break her.

I think Jane is the only one who did this consciously. In some ways, I find that almost more forgivable. At least she had enough self-awareness to know she was being cruel and malicious. She has none about her own shortcomings, but that’s another story.

It was my aunt who put me on my first, twisted diet. She blamed my father for my eating, and certainly he bears some of the blame. I did learn some poor eating habits from him, but there is a difference between disordered eating and bad eating habits. A huge difference. A gigantic, Grand Canyon sized difference.

Jane fed those disordered thoughts while she denied me food. She made me “special” desserts and treats, so she couldn’t be accused of denying me anything, and so she could play the martyr, a much loved role in my family. Oh, I’ve spent so much time on Juliet’s dessert, isn’t it pretty? Yes, and so often the most beautiful creatures in the animal world are the most dangerous, the ones with toxic venom hidden beneath that outer layer of beauty.

The point is, all of this family drama has brought back to mind the hell they put me through regarding my weight. I guess that’s to be expected, given I’m in therapy to deal with my eating disorder and there’s been some major family upheaval happening recently.

What I failed to realize, initially, though, is that all of this is bringing the inner diet cop back to the surface. I began this process in October, and by the end of May, I was battling that “diet cop” voice in my head only a few times a week. That might sound like a lot, but it’s better than many times a day. Some weeks I don’t think I heard it at all… or I squashed it immediately, so it was a nonissue.

Well, after seeing my family and dealing with all of this, I had regressed. I was dealing with the Diet Cop many, many times a day, and worse, I was listening to her. Very dangerous games… especially since I rationally know dieting isn’t the answer, and yet, there was that voice saying, go back to WW, or get WLS… neither of which I have any desire to do, neither of which I believe will solve my problems with food. Or my weight, long term.

So, it’s back to basics. When we shopped this week, I bought any food I wanted without questioning the choice. My kitchen is stocked with goodies and I will allow myself to eat them.

Serena, my therapist, gave me a sheet that reminds me to think about how I feel when I’m eating. She said that I don’t necessarily need to stop, because obviously food has been giving me something I need… but that if we figure out what that is, we can address it. So I am working on that. Asking myself, why do I want this food now? Then, once I figure it out, if I still want it, I eat it.

I’ve felt hunger for the first time since May… and my body is craving protein, which is a sign I am hearing what it needs, because trust me, I almost never craved protein prior to beginning IE, and now it is what I crave most.

I am reminding myself that this is a process, and that I’ve been through emotional hell in the past two months or so. I am reminding myself that I’ve lived with an eating disorder since I was about 9 years old, and it’s not going to just surrender overnight. I’m going to have to keep slaying this dragon, like the bad guy that just won’t die at the end of a level in a video game I played as a kid.

I will likely be doing battle for the rest of my life, but I also think the battles will be fewer and further apart. I feel better about my eating again… and I am so relieved.

Not only that, but this clearly demonstrated just how toxic dieting is for me. I merely had *thoughts* of dieting, and my eating went haywire. Imagine if I really dieted again? Ugh.

No thanks… I’ll take weight fluctuations that arise out of genuinely solving the problem over the ones that dieting inevitably brings any day.

I’m worth the fight… that’s the sort of thing I’d have said as a dieter, only this time, I’m fighting the right battle.

xoxo,
Juliet